2013 : Europe, Studies, Family
Europe was fun, in fact an eye opener. She had no idea if it was because its really different from where she had always lived but she loved there. Or maybe simply because she could get disconnected from the fast paced city she lived. She learnt skiing, and one moment that remained clear was she wanted to give up midway learning. Simply because she couldn’t master what is taught and her sister did. Jealousy it was. She hated not being able to do something her sister can. She just sat there defeated somehow managing to convince herself to get up and try again. At the end of the day, skiing was a skill she felt happy she could take back from the trip. Spending new year eve there was another splendid experience. This whole trip was just overall breathtaking. She loved it!
As for studies, its like a pit hole that never seem to stop dropping. Since JC, she have felt the immense amount of incapability she has to face the rest. But she thought it was alright(she has still a pretty decent amount of brain) since she managed to get into a university. But university proved further that luck seemed never at her side or that no matter how hard she worked it will never see a light. She feels embarrassed telling her friends even close ones about her disastrous results. Scared to be judged by people because results are almost everything. Without them, it seems like you can do nothing to change your world around. All she could do was act nonchalant about her results just to make people feel she didn’t really cared but deep down it was her pride to want to feel smart. Not having any strength in any subjects even her favourite one puts her so down. But one thing she knew, that favourite subject was something she really loved doing despite not acing them. Sometimes she feel she is not in the right course and wants to change, she can’t even have that though just cause of her results. She really worked hard to try to see the change but nothing changed. For 5 yrs, that shit feeling stayed. She has no idea when she can see optimism again. Or maybe she will just be immune to this feeling and just not bother anymore.
Family was just one huge part of her late 2013. She felt so immensely stressful, just tearing in the middle of the night, not being able to sleep just to think of all the harsh words she has. In the beginning when she knew about it, she told some friends. But after all the actions she has done to stop situation from occuring, it repeated and repeated. She just couldn’t open her mouth to even tell anyone. Even during her exam period, she faced the same situation, sometimes she wish she could stop being so sensitive or curious, maybe that could have saved her from all the hate. Just wanting to lash out all the harsh words couldn’t work out the moment she was about to face it just because family it was, no matter how harsh, she just couldn’t say it face to face. The loneliness she felt every night she discovered something just suffocated her so much. Not because no one showed concern, but she just really couldn’t say it out, doesn’t want anyone not related to judge, lest people who have never been through before. She really got annoyed at friends closed to her that acted like it was nothing, and she could face it bravely cause their friends experienced it. All her mind was thinking was ” Really? You didn’t experience it, what shit would you know?” Anyhow, the final straw came, and she gave her last message. It gave a reaction. How it will turn out really, she doesn’t know or does she hope for anything. Let it be and really just don’t trust.
One thing she can see was her character has changed, she loves making people around her happy even if she acted like a clown. Not saying that she always has good intention or thoughts but definitely the genuine heart for the ones she cared.
People say experience makes you stronger. But She differ. She just feel more exposed to this disgusting world. Human actions and everything. More vulnerable.